Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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