That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
