the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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