Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
