I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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