Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
