I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
