Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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