I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
