somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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