I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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