I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
