the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My vagina is officially offended.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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