Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
