I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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