i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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