My nipple is on Facebook.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
