At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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