When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
