On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I touched a dick in church today
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
