Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
