I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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