Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
