I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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