Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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