Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
