it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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