just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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