This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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