can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize