i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
