My hair reeks of homosexuality.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
