if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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