I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize