I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
