I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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