ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
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