There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
