My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
