Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it hurts more in the daytime
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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