I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
