Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You are a genius and a whore.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
