How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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