I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
