I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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