She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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