I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
