Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just google imaged poop.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
sex in a hospital.. check
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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