We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
