She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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