Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
