i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I enjoy the company of your penis
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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