Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
