I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
