I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
