Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
