Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
