you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
