I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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