i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
