FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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