True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
