oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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