I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
