Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
