you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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