Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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