I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just found puke in my bra..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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