he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
