Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
