i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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