do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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