Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize