i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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