guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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