Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
